The Three Funniest Things in the World. To Me.

There are three things in this world that will always make me laugh when brought to mind. Okay, so they're not actual THINGS, they're more like events that have happened in my life. And (with deepest yet insincere apologies to him) all of them involve my little brother.

I guess I'll do this in chronological order. If you don't find these hilarious, I don't blame you. They're probably not as funny as they are in my brain.

Number One
The first event happened when my brother was maybe 4 years old. In the evenings as my mom would be trying to get us to settle down and go to bed, my brother and I would, as most children do, be at our hyperest (is that a word? I'm probably supposed to say "most hyper").

Often we would jump and play on our parents' bed, it being a king-size monstrosity of blankets, pillows, and bounciness.


On this particular night we were playing a game where he would roll around the covers and I would try to catch him and tickle him to death until he screamed. Although the screaming didn't usually stop the tickle torture.


You know how sheets and blankets are tucked into the end of the bed, between mattress and box spring? So my brother was rolling around trying to avoid the tickle fingers of death when his little 4-year old self tumbled off the end of the bed... and got stuck in the tucked in sheets.


Oh how I laughed at him struggling to get out.


And laughed.


For a few minutes he thought it was funny until it became apparent I wasn't going to help him out because I was rolling on the bed, tears streaming down my face, barely able to breathe.

My mom, alerted by the sounds of one child yelling for help and the other having an hysterical fit, rushed into the room to see what was causing the before-bed ruckus.


I was immediately ordered to my room as my mom helped my brother out from the ensnaring sheets... where I continued to laugh for the next half hour until I nearly vomited.


Number Two
This one occurred maybe one year later, when my brother was 5 and I was just starting to hit puberty. I had secretly bought myself a razor because I was pretty sure my mother would be against me shaving my legs and armpits. She generally looks down on women altering their bodies in any way to fit into social norms or please that other gender.


My brother was taking a bath one evening and I was diligently doing homework in my bedroom (which means I was either on the phone with my best friend or flipping through my recent issue of BOP) when I heard my mom cry out from the bathroom, which was right next to my room. A second later she was yelling my name.


I sprang up and ran out the door, fearing something terrible had happened.

I tore around the corner into the bathroom, and was greeted by this:


MY BROTHER HAD TRIED SHAVING HIS FACE WITH MY RAZOR!

I couldn't handle it.


As my angry mother shook the razor in my face, demanding to know 1. why I was shaving my legs and, 2. why on EARTH I would leave it where my little brother could reach it, all I could do was shake my head, bite my lip, and giggle violently.


My brother was okay, he had just cut his lip. But to this day, that image of him with a soap beard, holding my razor, and looking confused with blood running down his chin can still send me into giggle fits.

You think I'm a terrible person, don't you?


Number Three
Now this, this is the prize of the collection, in my opinion.

One April Fool's Day, when my brother was maybe 7 or 8 and I was a bored teenager always looking for new entertainment, I decided to booby trap the house. I started out when I got home from school with the usual salt in the sugar bowl and honey on door knobs, but then I recalled a certain trick a friend had told me about that day:


It was genius.

I set it all up, knowing my brother would be home from school soon, throw his backpack in his room, and run to the bathroom. I couldn't wait.

The minutes seemed to tick by sloooooowly as I waited by the livingroom window, waiting for his bus to bring him home.


Finally, it showed up. I was bursting with excitement, this was going to be EPIC.

As I predicted, my brother ran inside, slammed the door, yelled that he was home, ran up the stairs, threw his backpack in his room, and ran down the hall into the bathroom and closed the door behind him.


I stood at the end of the hall, holding my breath. And then:



OH MY GOD, I literally exploded with laughter! It was better than I had imagined! I was on the ground, tears streaming down my face, convulsing with fits of giggles as my mother rushed up the stairs to see what the commotion was about this time.


Of course I was in BIG TROUBLE. I had to apologize to Richie and then clean up the mess in the bathroom. I continued to laugh to myself as I mopped and scrubbed.


You ask, was it worth it? Yes. A hundred times yes, it was worth it!